The Introduction Part 2

My first night in the facility was the toughest. Upon entry, the facility was beautiful. An administrator processed my intake paperwork then began to walk me to my unit. As we stepped outside to walk through the units, it reminded me of jail. The sidewalks were surrounded by metal fences with barbed wire on top and each building had a number on it with a metal door. I was in Unit 6 – suicide watch. When you enter unit 6, you walk through a metal door that closes behind you and wait for the next metal door to open up. It was cold and gray. There was a rec room with a tv, a pay phone on the wall, and several tables that had coloring books and crayons on top of them. The nurse’s station was on the right when you first enter. Against the wall by the nurse’s station were 5 bathrooms. Each bathroom was locked and a nurse had to let you inside everytime. If you were in the bathroom longer that 10 minutes, they would knock and ask if you are okay. If you didn’t answer, they would come in. All of your toiletries were kept in a clear bin behind the nurse’s station. Metal chairs screwed to the floor in a circle in the middle of the room and the rooms where people slept were along the walls in the back.

There were no hard objects or food allowed in the rooms. If you wanted to journal it had to be done on plain paper with a pencil, and you were only allowed to have one of the cheapest, thinnest blankets that I have ever slept on. Bed time was at 10:00pm and every 30 minutes a nurse came around to peak in the rooms all through the night. The mattress was super thin, my roommate snored and passed gas all night, the shower water was cold, and I felt dirty! This was not a place to get comfortable. Their goal was to help you get out and be ready for the next person coming in. It was a revolving door and I met a lot of people. I even met a few people that appeared on the tv show Cops. I was housed with individuals going through substance abuse, manic depression, post partum depression, and of course - suicide watch. And believe me, with a mix of people like that, things could jump off at any moment!

When I got there, they made me undress to mark any tattoos or piercings that I had so that I didn’t have any new marking or piercings through the duration of my stay. They thoroughly searched me for sharp objects and weapons. A nurse asked me if the weave in my hair was attached to my scalp because they wanted to check that too. Thank God she did not check behind me, or she would have found it was a wig and after losing everything else, that last thing I needed was for them to take my wig too! Afterwards, they took my temperature and blood pressure and as tears cascaded down my face, the nurse looked at me said, “It’s okay, the first night is always the hardest.” And boy was he right. I stayed up and cried all night long. My eyes were swollen shut. I refused to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next two days. When they gave me my medicine every morning, I had to lift my tongue up so they could be sure I swallowed it.

One day during our “free time”, I met a girl who was in there for Manic Depression. I told her that I didn’t want to be bothered but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She told me about her history with depression but, what stuck out the most is when she told me that "it" was going to be okay and even though I didn’t see it at the moment, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. For the remaining days going forward, I decided to put forth my best effort at getting better for two reasons. Number 1, I did not like being told what do and when to do it. Number 2, I WANTED to come out of this state of depression. I wanted to genuinely smile and laugh. I missed my Erin and I wanted her back.

We had a schedule every day. I participated in individual and group therapy, I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and spent time in the rec room with the other patients. I read my Bible and prayed every single day. Every day, in group therapy, we had to go around the room and share our goal for the day. Every day, my goal was to be happy and I was determined to get back to that place (it is now 2020 and my goal every day is still to be happy!). During that time, my family came to visit me as did my pastor. Courtney even surprised me and hopped on a plane to come see me, and she stayed until I was released from the facility.

I stayed in inpatient care for a week and outpatient care for another 3 weeks. Monday through Friday, for 8 hours a day, I had to sit with a group of individuals who were going through similar things and talk about my struggles out loud. There were many more tears shed and by the end of that 3 weeks, I was starting school and felt pretty good about myself. The real work started when I got home, back to reality. I missed being at the facility, doing daily exercises that taught me how to control my thoughts and feelings. I missed the structure and the routine of the way things were but I continued to set my goal of being happy every day and pushed through every day.

I never had a relapse of depression. I saw a psychiatrist when I was released from the facility, which was mandatory for a few months. I weaned myself off the medication they prescribed me, and flourished in school. Side note: DO NOT WEAN YOURSELF OFF PRESCRIBED MEDICINE WITHOUT LETTING A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL KNOW! I should not have done this without informing my doctor - withdrawls are no joke. To this day, my relationship with God, my friends, and my family have continued to flourish. I currently attend USC – Columbia, spent 4 months studying abroad in Ghana, I’m getting my baking business, Mrs. E’s Charleston Chewies, off the ground and building Pretti Prepared! I hope you all have enjoyed reading one of my testimonies and to anyone out there struggling with depression, I encourage you to set a goal that you can purposely achieve every day. Continue to pray and seek God and believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you are dealing with or have ever had to deal with a loved one who was depressed, suicidal, or ever acted on their suicidal thoughts, please understand that it was not personal. Many people get angry and call those in a dark place selfish for wanting to take their life. When a person is severely depressed, they are not in their right mind and there is a chemical imbalance in their brain. It's hard to smile, you want to be happy but it's the hardest thing in the world to do, even when the sun is shining. You feel unloved by God and loved ones. It may seem selfish to you because they left loved ones with a void and unanswered questions but it is equally selfish to in turn ask, "how could they do this to ME?". Those dealing with depression can stand in a room of 100 people and feel more alone than ever. Reach out to your pastor, a counselor, do research, and try to find your family member the help they need to pull them out of the dark.

Disclaimer: If you or anyone you know is dealing with depression and thinking about harming yourself in any way contact a family memeber and go to the nearest hospital immediately. This post is in no way encouragement to act on any suidical thoughts. I am not a medical professional and this post should not be used as medical advice.