Death To Self

Death to self is one of the most painful processes I have ever been through. Have you ever injured yourself but your adreneline was pumping so fast that you didn’t know until someone told you that you were bleeding? Over the past year, I have had more restraint and patience than I ever thought I was capable of. I have been tried in multiple areas of my life: internal struggles, friendships, work, marriage, and faith. There was a time when all someone had to do was look at me wrong and I was ready to pop off. If you thought you were going to get jazzy at the mouth with me, then you thought wrong. Over the past year, I have yielded when I felt like something or someone picked at me. I kept my mouth shut when I felt disrespected and I kept a smile on my face and a good attitude on days where I wanted to yell two words that would certainly be displeasing to my Heavenly Father.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. When I was upset, I made sure that whoever was the cause could feel my energy toward them. When I was angry or sad, I would cry. And when I was fed up, disrespect spilled from my lips. It is a good thing I cannot play Poker – my face would give it away everytime. I started to notice that when I was faced with difficult situations, I started biting my tongue and praying instead. I gracefully (for the most part) bowed out of fights before they began, and I started forgiving almost immediately! Forgiveness is a relatively new characteristic of mine. I’ve held grudges against people for many years with no intention of ever letting things go. Lately, I have almost mastered letting things go as quickly as they came.

But this death to self….my my my – be careful for what you pray for. God listens intently. During a phone call with my spiritual mother, Mrs. Cheryl, I told her that I don’t think people realize how much grace I give them; because if they had known me a few short years ago, the outcome of how I now respond would have been much different. I was beginning to feel like my kindness had become a weakness. She simply said to me, “You are dying to self. Your flesh is dying and it does not feel good”. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, I could feel my injury and the bleeding would not stop. Everything hurt. Every beat of my heart, every breath, every step I took, hurt. All I could say was, “ow” and wince in pain. At that moment, I became consciously aware of why my sensitivity to things had heightened. My flesh had stage 5 sin cancer and by the time I realized it, it was too late. *Sidenote: this a good “too late” that I am referring to. I was irritable, tired, and barely had an appetite. I felt nauseous and had headaches daily. If someone’s tone was too aggressive with me, I felt like they were challenging me. The “challenge” itself was not the hard part. The part that frustrated me most, was that I no longer had it in my heart to respond the way I use to. No matter how badly wanted to react, I was no longer allowed to behave that way and it never occurred to me why.

That night, I laid out on my living room floor and vented to God about everything that had been angering me over the past several months. My emotions were raw. So raw that I began to see my flesh decaying in the spirit realm. I even went as far as to tell God that I was not in the mood to pray and that I was not going to do it that night. I was 38 hot and wanted ALL the smoke that night. After I got through venting, I proceeded to scroll through scriptures on my phone about dying to self. I came across Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. At this point, it was time to pray. God was telling me that he’s got me and all I had to do was surrender. I did not have be strong in that moment because he would do it for me. What a beautiful gesture it is when God makes it personal. It was the, “For I am YOUR God”, part for me. MY God – just for me. All mine. Getting on my knees and surrendering everything to God was the hardest thing for me to do on this night. The more my flesh fought, the harder God pushed. I cried out to God harder than I ever had before. My flesh was dying, and I needed him to rub my back and hold my hand while he turned the ventilator off.

Pride, anger, jealousy, anxiety, selfishness, misunderstanding, rebellion, unforgiveness, suicidal thoughts, and more got laid to rest. Puffy eyes, runny nose, and hyperventilation were all present. Even the angels showed up to say their final good-byes. I forgave everyone that I held anger against. I prayed for people that I did not necessarily want to pray for in that moment, I let go of the want for apologies that I felt were owed to me, and I forgave myself for things I did that could not be changed.

At this point in my life, very seldom do I take anything personally. I can extend grace to others because when I look at them, I remind myself of the undeserved grace that my God extended to me on so many occasions. I remind myself of the undeserved patience that my God has extended to me. I have been on a journey to get my heart posture in check. This road has not been easy, and I must die to my flesh DAILY. I have to constantly repent for my sins and be humble enough to apologize when I have wronged my brother or sister whether I feel like they deserve it or not because it is no longer about me. My wants and desires are irrelevant when it comes to God’s will for my life. That “My life is not my own” verse by William McDowell takes on a new meaning when you lay your flesh down to do what is pleasing to the Father.

It is easier said than done, but not as hard it looks. God is patient. He knows where we are on our journey to be closer to him. He is near to the broken hearted and does not despise a contrite heart. If you are weary, he will give you rest. Trade your pain for peace. I know you are tired but give him your “yes” anyway. It does not feel good but give him your “yes” anyway. You will want to cry, kick, scream, and curse, but do it anyway. Give him your “yes” and watch what he does with it. Just as he changed Saul’s name to Paul, he will change your name too and I KNOW that I am well on my way to having my name changed!

No matter who or what you have been in life, it is never to late change for the better. God will use the good, bad, and the ugly for his glory. Do not let anyone throw a “used to be” your way because you are not there anymore.

Luke 9:23: And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.